by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
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Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Comparing yourself to others
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am