me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
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The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.