Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
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“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.