“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
You Might Also Like
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
My flabber has been gasted.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Krampus.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it