This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table đ
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I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Justin Timberlake: Iâm bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
If I wake up at 4:30, Iâll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Someone pissed on the bus driverâs passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I donât mean either now.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds âget tallerâ to New Yearâs resolutions*
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Guys I donât think the people who run the world are very good
Ainât no panic like when you think youâve misplaced your driving cheese.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times