Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
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{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.