Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
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I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”