Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
You Might Also Like
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.