Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
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Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”