Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
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my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Adultry does not sound fun at all
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.