[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
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I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Huge, if true.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.