Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
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Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
😎 🍻
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.