shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
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Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
incredible text to wake up to
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.