just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
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My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time