[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
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The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”