It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
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Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage