“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
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My son said it鈥檚 not fair I鈥檓 the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I鈥檒l take your room.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can鈥檛.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can鈥檛.
4: Want to trade?
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you鈥檙e depressed? a carrot? we鈥檙e all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I don鈥檛 need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 馃グ
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
SCIENTIST: I鈥檝e written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I鈥檇 like to cure them all.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn鈥檛 take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.