If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
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Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”