Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
You Might Also Like
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Does it…does it take 3 days
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando