me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
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Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
he’s doing your taxes
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair