I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
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50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Put a ring on it
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.