Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
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puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
the only bumper sticker ill allow
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.