The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
You Might Also Like
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”