“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
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My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Did a trash talking tree write this?
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.