Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
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I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”