[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
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Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”