I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
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What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
they really do be looking like this
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.