me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
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Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer