At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
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To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …