If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
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Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?