I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
You Might Also Like
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome