So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
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Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
These 3D printers are insane!
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.