Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
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Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.