I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
You Might Also Like
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”