I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
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food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”