I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
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The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet