Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
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Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
The internet is full of many things
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car