“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
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Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.