My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
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I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse