My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
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It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong