3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
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Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Me when my alarm goes off
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.