My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
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Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Geez man, take it easy.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
his wife is probably gonna see that
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.