Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
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I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
My favorite farside!!
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.