My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
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Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Risking my life for fun.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]