Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
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So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I hate everything
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
O Wise One….
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.