You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
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“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.