For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
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Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Story of my life…..
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”