There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
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It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.