I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
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Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
our love story in four pictures
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok