I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
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When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
My favorite farside!!
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Smile they said.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.